Twenty-second Ordinary

Matthew 16: 24 – 26

Then Jesus went to town on his disciples. “Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?”

I can’t sleep. I can’t let go. I don’t understand. I am heartbroken and Nancy is completely inconsolable. Two days ago, our son Robert told us that he was being re-deployed to Afghanistan. “Try to convince him not to go,” Nancy told me. “He’s already been twice. What if this time he doesn’t come back? Why are we fighting a war that’s not even our war?”

“I did speak to him,” I insisted. “He said that he’s a soldier and that this is his job. He said that we are fine here, but who is defending those poor people over there? I told him to think of his family, that he has kids now. He said it was his duty to serve”. Nancy just glared at me and left the room in tears.

That was this afternoon. Now, lying awake in bed, the conversation plays over and over again in my head. Nancy has finally fallen asleep, yet I lie here praying, “God, please God, don’t let my son go back to war. Why him? Send someone else”. Then it hits me like a ton of bricks, “I did not want my son to die either”. What? “I did not want my son to die either”.

And now I understand. Here I am begging for my son to be spared to a God who did not spare God’s son. Now I understand that no one loves Robert more than God, who is in heaven. Now I understand what picking up your own cross means; why the grain of wheat has to die. Now I am able to let go and get behind Jesus and with a renewed peace, finally fall asleep.